I’m a Childless Cat Lady, and We’re Way More Evil Than J.D. Vance Says

See? Super evil | Photo by freestocks on Unsplash

I eat the big chips in the bag and leave the splintery dregs for you.

I zip in to steal the parking spot you’ve been patiently waiting for with your hopeful little turn signal. Nice try tho.

I will never learn how to spell your name.

My potato salad contains many raisins but not a grain of salt. I will bring it to every fucking party you throw.

I taught my niece to respect herself.

At the laundromat, I take wet clothes out of the washer and dump them on the dirtiest surface I can find. I’m not even there to do laundry — I’m just a childless cat lady ruining the world.

The wedding dress I wore to your nuptials was hotter than yours. Sorry.

Whenever I’m introduced to a baby, I say, “Wow, that’s my cat’s name!”

I put frosting on a wad of kale and call it cake.

The only flag I worship is my freak one.

I never use a microwave unless it’s communal and stuffed with Dollar Store fish sticks.

I brake for kitties crossing the street, but not the rest of you losers. Let’s go, Grandpa Limps-a-Lot.

The camera on my house points straight into your bedroom. For safety reasons.

I wiped out the dinosaurs. Fellow childless female Jennifer Aniston helped.

I reject texting, but will relentlessly call you on Facetime at my convenience. Which is 2am.

I’ll tell everyone what your real hair color is.

I am 30 minutes late everywhere, and it’s somehow always your fault, asshole.

Because I don’t have kids, I have lots of time to ruin society by calling my cat “my son.”

On Tuesdays, I perform free post-birth abortions in my breakfast nook. BYO bleach.

I write letters to clothing manufacturers demanding they make the pockets in women’s jeans smaller.

I think I should control my own body.

I will wrestle your wimpy brat for the Major League baseball they caught. This wouldn’t happen if you did the work on arm day, Aiden.

Gay people don’t cause hurricanes; my cat and I do a dance that whips up hurricanes, volcano eruptions, and toilet paper shortages.

Instead of taking one donut from the communal box, I will cut three in half.

I made a deepfake of your mom and Moo Deng. It is upsetting.

I always bring my cat on an airplane. Hope you’re not allergic, because he will be sitting in your seat.

My coven invented Comcast.

My childless vagina opens a portal to Zaggul, a demon who hates long hair and prairie dresses.

I’m the president of my HOA.