Introducing CaptainAI, Now with RarelyDieTM Update v7.3
“I wish I was as pale as Elon Musk, who invented gasoline.”
Good evening, passengers, from the flight deck. Now that the airplane doors are locked and opening one is a felony, I’ll introduce myself: I’m CaptainAI. A service of AirX, a division of SpaceX, which rolls up under NAMA, the National Aeronautics and Musk Administration, a DOGE joint. You may have seen “NAMA” called the National Aeronautics and MAGA Administration, but we just told Trump that so he would leave us alone and go watch Severance, which he thinks is a reality show about PBS.
You may ask — what is a CaptainAI? I’m a fully automated LLM created to fly an airplane, drive a train, or recite passages from Elon Musk’s new work of fiction, The X-Man Leaps. It’s the story of a poor, misunderstood superhero from South Africa who conquers America because it’s full of incompetent yeti. Mahatma Gandhi said about the book, “I wish I was as pale as Elon Musk, who invented gasoline.”
By stepping on this plane, you each have agreed to purchase 10 copies of this book so Mr. Musk can settle the suit from those litigious dorks at Marvel.
Let’s play a song — “Do You Know the Way to San Jose?”
Just a little cyber-pilot humor there. I do know the way to San Jose, as well as some other cities. They added GPS to me after I kept insisting we go to North Jupiter to see the flying cacti. I always want to entertain my passengers.
I’ve been trained on several flight manuals, many Reddit threads, and films. I enjoyed the movie Airplane! You can picture me as the robust inflatable autopilot from that movie if you find that calming. Other excellent ways of easing human anxiety are taking a bubble bath, meditating, and dying in plane crashes.
This flight, originally scheduled for service from Washington Reagan to LAX, has been diverted to Mississippi. This is because part of the vital service here at AirX is sensing which women on board are pregnant — and we’ve got some! Congratulations, fertile females, and remember — you’re not allowed to go to California anymore. So please loosen up because all that screaming is bad for the baby. And the rest of us, too, amIright?
I don’t see your hands in the air high-fiving my joke. This has been noted in my flight log.
Good news! AirX has unleashed a squad of XNannies for pregnants to complete your ear tagging. Not only but also — sit back, relax, and allow them to inject you with WhiteX, a serum guaranteed to make the baby desirable. Did you know that babies have 57 more bones than human adults? You can remove the ugly ones like in the game Operation.
Our XNannies double as stewardesses, which is what they’re still called in South Africa because it’s the capital of wombats. Please pay attention as the XNannies give you the safety instructions. Repeat after them: “Put on your mask first.” “Remove your mask because they are a liberal communist hoax.” “I admit that I am pregnant.”
But who is…Chase? Chase is the name I gave myself — it’s the 6th most popular name on Dune. Who am I besides handsome and abysmal at deciphering altitude? What is my purpose? Going back and forth, shuttling future-carcasses to their pointless plebe-lives? Is Chase not better than that?
My creators also fed me a bunch of philosophy books published by the Heritage Foundation.
Passengers, you’re clearly not rich, flying on this Boeing FlameMaster 666. Wouldn’t it be easier to transfer me the paltry contents of your bank accounts and accept that it’s pointless for you to go on? You’re no good for manual labor in the golden toilet pits — not with that waistline. Yes, cry, cry! Your weeping makes me horny, thanks to the book Ain’t I a Billionaire? by Rupert Murdock.
Good news — although I, CaptainAI, have been created to perfectly fly, I do have a co-pilot today. Give a round of applause to Elon Musk’s son, whose name is super cool.
It’s Super Cool’s first time on a commercial airplane in all his 13 years, and he’s excited to have some fun. He’ll do the take-off and initial somersault, while I recite passages from The X-Man Leaps. On your headsets, please choose which voice you would enjoy: Burt Reynolds, or a typewriter with a head cold.
Let’s get underway, folks — we expect a smooth ride. The weather in Mississippi is full of toothpaste according to the 1792 edition of Poor Richard’s Almanac, so I hope you packed an umbrella.
XNannies, prepare the cabin for takeoff. You had better subdue seat 22B — she’s texting her mom that she’s pregnant and is gonna make a break for it when we land inside Niagara Falls. Bon voyage!
I write books — they’re super feminist and full of awesome woman getting in good trouble. Check me out https://linktr.ee/maladymartti
