Please Follow Our Very Reasonable Airbnb Guidelines, Treasured Guest!
Welcome to our house — oops, your house for the next however many days! We hope you love our gracious, dog-hair enhanced home as much as we do.
Read on for just a few quick rules for your safety and ours. Be sure to rate us five stars!
· Please don’t forget to take your shoes off in the house at all times, we’re cultivating a natural bouquet.
· Clean all pubes out of the hot tub filter (tweezers provided at no charge).
· Wash the dishes, glasses, appliances, sheets, blankets, pillows, books, and outdoor furniture by hand only using the environmentally friendly mix of vinegar and bleach we have left for you. FYI, no need to clean the sex toys you found in the bathroom, pantry, kitchen, or attic.
· Leave a blood sample in the third bedroom’s closet shrine. It’s for normal reasons.
· Compose and record a sea shanty on Tik Tok praising our amazing house and spectacular service which, please remember, includes a flushing toilet and a plate to eat on.
· The snake infestation in the master bedroom’s headboard is really bumming us out.
· Be sure to hand-make soaps to replace the ones you choose to use. Acceptable scents are patchouli, incense, and the perfume my civics teacher wore in 1967. Carve them in the shape of Gwyneth Paltrow contemplating an egg salad sandwich.
· Attendance at 6–10pm Bible study is required. The Bible we use may be a little unusual, but Pastor Harley’s ideas are better than the original.
· Our tap water is fine to drink, and yellow is not an odd color for water no matter what the internet says. Legally, we have to say that some parasites are a real pain to get rid of.
· The floors need replacing.
· If you hear footsteps at 3:27am, it’s the ghost of my wife’s racist great-grandma, Clementine. She loves to attack (especially some of you lol), but if you could figure out how she keeps getting the axe, that would be great.
· Construct a hardwood coffin for our pet rabbit, Mister GaveEveryoneThatWeirdDisease. Inlay work is a plus. Then dig him up in the S.E. corner of the backyard. Make sure to perform the ancient Sumerian reburial correctly or there will be a zombie upcharge.
· Write a book report on The Red Badge of Courage for a 9th grade level. Realistically, a couple of grades down, our kid sucks tbh. He’s just like my frigging mother-in-law. Guaranteed C- or we’ll tell Airbnb that you murdered the rabbit.
· Sign each of the attached blank ten pages of paper. Date and print your name next to the line that says “payor.”
· Do NOT go in the room under the stairs. The dolls are happy there.
· You will pay for any bugs or rodents we find in the house after check-out. We do not believe in the evils of pesticides, or sealing doors and windows, so make sure you plan time to catch the critters.
· If a member of your party has red hair, have them recite a Latin incantation of protection lest they forever be plagued by demons moste foul.
· If anyone asks, you were here on the 30th with my mother-in-law Susan and her taser. Just be cool, okay?
· In two weeks, you will receive a link to the video of your stay on our YouTube channel, StupidTouristSexcapades. We know what you’re thinking, and good luck trying to find us we’re literally in Russia, and everything is legal here.
· Review my triumphant novel of suspense and politics, Space Tits in Space, on Amazon. Five stars, unless you’re a lickspittle troglodyte who wouldn’t know great science fiction literature if it slapped you across the face with a Xatian’s tri-shafted dick.
*Please note that you have already been charged our $729 cleaning fee*
If you complete all tasks, we will mail your passports back to you in 8–10 weeks
PS: Thank you for signing up for our newsletter. It will probably lead to an investigation, so just be honest and tell the FBI that you stayed at one of our rental properties, and how much you super duper love selling cocaine. Thank you for being such a great guest!
XOXO,
Cletus & Caytelynne
