a Halloween Story That Moves Very Slowly by Martti Nelson “Jesus of Jerusalem, Dorothy — he’s getting away! I hustled faster than this when I was alive and used a walker.” Phyllis shimmied her right hip; it hadn’t been going the right direction since their run-in with the Girl Scouts a couple of nights ago. Phyllis wobbled like the world’s…

Yes, I took the easy joke out. Keep reading anyway, why not. — My dad died in January. How’s that for a clever first line, right? Except no, sorry, because ever since my dad passed, I don’t feel clever. Or funny. I seem to not accomplish half of what I want to do, but at least I feel endlessly guilty about it. My…

Yes, I took the easy joke out. Keep reading anyway, why not. — My dad died in January. How’s that for a clever first line, right? Except no, sorry, because ever since my dad passed, I don’t feel clever. Or funny. I seem to not accomplish half of what I want to do, but at least I feel endlessly guilty about it. My…

I’m doing a book reading on the Zooms tomorrow! It’s a book event, so when you RSVP and attend, you can tell everyone, “I’m going to a book event,” and then sniff real deep, because your farts will smell like book mites and importance, friends. Info below~ Join Humorist Books…

Read an exclusive excerpt from the new book LYSSA STRATA by Martti Nelson! It’ll make your hair shinier. — Chapter 1 Lyssa Strata pushed up her glasses and prepared to say the words “birth control” to the entirely male Athena, Massachusetts Town Council, the average age of which was 80. It would’ve been higher if not for her stepfather, Councilman Daniel Park, who, at 42, brought the average from…

Diary, it is wrong to want man who listen to me and who also have boobies? — Today, I, Gruuka, discover that fire feel ouch on skin, but not on hair. Amazing science learning, right? But Brog and Truk do not believe Gruuka. They stick hands in fire and make much screaming. Then, Truk make blame-screaming at Gruuka! If they only believe Gruuka, no one would scream. …

I own this entire glorious year, and every one of you is my bitch boy for the duration. — Friends and Relatives, Hi, it’s Brad Bisset, your favorite groom! Latrice and I have decided that I will be the Official Evans-Bisset “-zilla.” It’s a responsibility I take seriously, as a wedding is one of the most significant moments in a -zilla’s life, full of grace and domination. I love…

I have a new humor piece out with Robot Butt! Embarrassing Ways I Have Died in the Past. Come for the syphilis, stay for the boob splinter.