Published inThe Belladonna Comedy·PinnedQUIZ: Are You a Modern Badass Woman or Some Weird Medieval Bat Thing?First thing to do is count your feet. Or, uh, claws? — Who am I? Why am I here? Should I have 10 feet attached to my mono-wing? These are the deep questions every gal asks herself, especially when contemplating the mysteries of the universe, or why she’s suddenly ravenous for delicious luna moths. …Humor4 min readHumor4 min read
PinnedI Wrote a Book About Angry Women. On Purpose and Everything.LYSSA STRATA drops on May 1, 2021. It’s about a sex strike. Gasp! — I wrote the vast majority of my debut novel, LYSSA STRATA, in a fit of rage. Or a fit of crying. Or a fit of my butt dying because I could not stand up and let go of the internet shitstorm that was 2017. The deep, harrowing misogyny of 2016…Books5 min readBooks5 min read
May 10Excerpts from AI-Written Rom-Coms That Prove Human Writers Are ObsoleteI have my very first piece in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency! To support the striking writers of the #WGA, I have…I mean the AI has…written some truly, um, “magical” rom-com moments. Like~ Broman Holiday WILLY (gasping): You are an undercover prince? The hospital lights glow brightly so that nobody cuts into the wrong…Wga2 min readWga2 min read
Mar 28The Shittiest Princess and the Friend ZoneThe Royal Orgysmith organized the party-goers into lines of “flexible” and “brought own riding crop.” In the dankest depths of the darkest month of the year, Blorgvember, happened the most horrid holiday this side of a dirty cat butt: Valentine’s Day. Everything awful in Kingdomville occurred in Blorgvember, unless you…Humor5 min readHumor5 min read
Mar 21The Shittiest Princess and the Cutting of the CheeseIt was a truism in Kingdomville that unpleasant things could, and should, be blamed on a woman. In a kinder, gentler time, when beheadings were family events, there was born a glorious princess to the kingdom of Kingdomville on a very auspicious day. That’s the way the story of Princess…Humor4 min readHumor4 min read
Mar 14The Shittiest Princess Presents: Friend-Wife Agnes and the Princely Palooza Pleasure PartyGeesh, all these dudes looked alike. Inbred, no doubt. There once was a friend-wife named Agnes, who hated Limericks. Agnes had friend-married Princess Poot of Kingdomville in exchange for the title of Prince and the fifteen-kegs-of-beer-a-month salary, even though Poot was a very shitty princess. …Humor7 min readHumor7 min read
Mar 7The Shittiest Princess and the Official Princess ColorAlas, pink didn’t match Princess Poot’s nail fungus at all. There once lived a princess so lovely and non-gassy, she outshone the heavens, and even the Vegas strip. This is not a story about that lady. Our tale involves Princess Poot, who couldn’t outshine a pile of mulch, especially if…Humor5 min readHumor5 min read
Feb 28The Shittiest Princess and the Tentacled TalentThe Pent-Annual Princess Jamboree was in a week, and Princess Poot couldn’t bear to win the “We Kindly Suggest-eth Thy Live with the Mole People” Cup. Not again. Back in the days of Yore (“Yore” being a demonic cheerleader from the third circle of damnation sent to bedevil people who…Satire5 min readSatire5 min read
Feb 21The Shittiest Princess and the Twelve-Toed Suitor“But fulfilling female friendships that don’t revolve around men are forbidden in my line of work,” said Princess Poot. Once upon a time, when men were men and women were property, there lived a very shitty princess. Verily, she was the shittiest princess in the seven kingdoms, and in the…Humor6 min readHumor6 min read
Oct 27, 2022Zombies and Old Lacea Halloween Story That Moves Very Slowly by Martti Nelson “Jesus of Jerusalem, Dorothy — he’s getting away! I hustled faster than this when I was alive and used a walker.” Phyllis shimmied her right hip; it hadn’t been going the right direction since their run-in with the Girl Scouts a couple of nights ago. Phyllis wobbled like the world’s…Halloween12 min readHalloween12 min read